THE HIDDEN TEARS- from the diary of a school girl… !

The alarm bell rang at 6:00 am. I am trying to get out of bed but that’s almost impossible. I love to sleep in the morning hours. The last minute sleep is wonderful. I have started to hate morning walks. Not because that i have to get up early but the simple fact that ever since we have shifted to the new colony, i don’t like the way few neighbor guys look at me when i go out for walk. It makes me feel uncomfortable. So i dropped the idea of getting up early and going for a walk. Mom sometimes scolds me for lying on bed in the morning hours but i can’t explain her the reason. Or may be i can but i am afraid to. I am little confused, as always. But i love myself- the way i am. Priya– as my name suggests i am beloved, most times by myself.

Life is simply beautiful when most part of the day is being spent at school. I enjoy every day there. You know the best thing about school life- you just have to hang on there, things will take care of themselves. But i am in eleventh standard. School will end in another one year, mind you i am trying to be optimistic here.

My English teacher says every accomplishment brings a good news as well as a bad news. The good news here is that after one year or so, i won’t have to study this SCIENCE CRAP anymore. I never took science as my major. Mom dad did the job, probably the only favor they did for me. Amit Bhaiyya, my elder brother was a brilliant student in science. He completed his schooling few years back, i don’t even remember which year. But he certainly did. He is now an engineer. And just because he is making a hefty salary, i am forced to commit my life to science and maths. That introduces the bad news in my case. Seems perfectly logical, rational and sensible. That was ironical, in case you didn’t understand.

As i entered the school, i felt a different type of energy- positive energy about which some bearded guy in the TV talks quite often. Although i still have to discover my best friend, but i guess Ruchi and Sahil are almost there. They are not perfect though but as i said -almost there. Perfect best friends, i don’t think exist anywhere outside those stupid movies. Talking about movies, i just hate them. They take you to dreamy world and give rise to unrealistic expectations from this world. And of all things i hate, i hate expectations the most. Parents’ expectations, then teachers, friends, relatives’ and most of all- my own. Expectations, i so hate you. Even more than periods. My god! the list of things that i hate, is growing. Not a good sign.

After a boring lecture from our Chemistry teacher, the next class is physical education – a subject i chose over Computers because i love sports, much more than games. My favorite sports is Basketball, and i am very good at it. In fact given the level of girls’ participation in sports in our school, i can confidently say that i am the best basketball player among the girls. However, that’s not what my dream is. My dream is to compete with boys and prove them that girls can also be good players, at least i am. And not just in themselves, but they can challenge boys as well, at least i will.

But better said than done, it’s been a long time that I have been telling myself the same thing. Every time i tried to prove that, i got caught in the being girl trap. I remember playing with boys team, where i was the only girl. And i played really well. But the irony was- after the match, i got more comments on my skirt and how my legs got revealed during the match rather than my technique and skill. Even Ruchi advised me not to play like that. Not sure whether the whole world is like that or just my school. My experience tells me all the boys are like that. They keep noticing girls skirts all the time. On a day when it rains, they keep staring at your wet shirts. What a shame.

Sometimes i feel like falling in love with someone. But i suppose i am too young for that. Girls around me have already done that and have spent weeks crying at their broken hearts. I am smart enough to know that Sahil likes me. By the way any girl would know that if her friend liked her. The exact formula, i shall not explain here. It’s right up here, in my mind.

Let me make a confession here, i like him too. But i don’t think i am ever going to tell him that or anyone for that matter. The truth is – i don’t want to get in to a relationship. You might consider me naive at this point of time but i tell you, i am just being reasonable and matured here. I know just like my present, my future is in the hands of my parents. They will decide the perfect match for me, i am not sure he will be perfect or not but he will be the one, the one chosen by them and another forced decision on me. I know i am sounding too phony here, but that’s the way things work here, in India. I don’t want to hurt Sahil, that’s why i will never tell him my feelings. I wish i could.

It was a fun filled day at school. I am on my way back to home which is not very far from the school. I prefer to walk with Ruchi, she also lives nearby. She has been blabbering too much about Sahil. Looks like she is also interested. And suddenly i don’t like her. Wait a second. What the hell did i just say? I shouldn’t be saying that. Thank god, we reached her place. I couldn’t listen more about Sahil from her.

My colony is just few footsteps away. And still it’s a sort of challenge to reach there. The rickshaw walas on the way are scariest creatures for me. The way they look at me, scares me to the death. I could see their eyes scanning my body. I wish i could rip their eyes off. Wearing skirt to school is not a crime, then why do they keep punishing me every day. The sad thing is, i can’t do anything. Mom says- guys will keep staring at you, get used to it. Sorry Mom, i can’t and i probably won’t.

It’s evening time and i have to rush to the market to get some vegetables. The market is crowded, just like any other day. I got the vegetables and reached home on time, yet i had to listen to usual “You are a girl, you should have come back early”  complaint from Mom. Now i am supposed to help her in the kitchen. And i have absolutely no problem in that provided they don’t expect me to do well in studies. And then help her in the chores too. Dad doesn’t ask me to do anything. But very often he also lets me down. For example – If i talk in loud voice, he rebukes instantly. When he does that, i quietly walk in to my room, because i am not supposed to shout back- I am a girl. No such rules exist for my genius brother.

Tonight i am happy and i am sad; both at same times. I am proud to be a girl and whoever i am, i love myself. That’s why i am happy. Sad because i feel the world could have been much better, much better for me and for million other girls. And in spite of the fact that the tears from my eyes are on their way, i still believe that we girls are strong… Strong enough to face this cruel world.

 

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