I hope this letter finds you well. I will be gone and will no longer be a part of you. Nevertheless you have to move on. You never stop, for anyone, and you shouldn’t. For all that I know, you don’t care about anyone. The problem is – I did. Probably that is the reason I am sitting here on my wooden chair, waiting to face the ugly truth of my life – the end of it. Don’t worry, it’s not something that was imposed on me, but I chose it.
My wall-clock is showing 10:10 on its lustrous silver face. I was once told that this was the time when the world stopped. Of course they lied. But I always assumed it to be true. And tonight it finally appears to have come true. At this moment I hereby declare the death sentence to myself – to be strangled with that rope, tonight.
There will be headlines in tomorrow’s newspapers – She gave up… Death favored the weak… and so on. That’s their work. But the sad thing is to judge someone else’s life or in my case – death, from outside without having any knowledge about what I have been through.
I never dreamt of dying, I only thought about living and living indefinitely. When I was small, a naive kid, unaware of the rules of the society, I imagined myself achieving the greatest things of this world. I imagined one day I would stand at the top of this world and smile. Ignorance made me believe in myself and I kept dreaming, but the road ahead wasn’t that easy.
The world challenged me at every step. The first time when I shared my dreams with anyone, they laughed at me and told me that I was a moron. I was bullied by most of them. Power is an obsession and it spreads its wings in front of weak. I had learnt this lesson by the time I completed school.
The society has its own rules. People would scare you no matter what you do. If you pursue your belief, they will try everything to stop you and if you don’t, they won’t even care for you. I chose the former and was hurt more than I had anticipated. The superior gender concept was an illusion, they didn’t even care for me as a human being.
But the most frustrating part of my life was – judgments. So easily and comfortably, they judged me, to make me feel uncomfortable. Every person evaluated me on the basis of the few conversations that I had with them. And they gave their verdict on every action or inaction that I did. They had killed my hopes, my heart and my soul. I was dead by now, the only reason that I lived until now was to show them that they were wrong.
Tonight I have nothing left to prove. I have achieved everything that I desired. There’s nothing else and no one else that I love, that I desire to have. Nothing. I believe that’s enough of a reason to not live anymore. In a world where I die every day, every moment, feel bad for my own existence, it’s not fair to fake my identity and survive in the illusion of living. At this point I have only one favor to ask you for. I am optimistic that you would listen to me this time.
When I am gone, do not judge me and discuss me or any other person. Live your own lives and let others live too. I hope you won’t let me down this time.